Weekend

Another weekend is here.
The noise has been quite all week but came roaring back today. Usually does on the weekend. Too much time by myself with only my thoughts to keep me company.
Still wondering why I'm still here. Both literally and figuratively. I should leave her and I think of a number of ways my life would improve. Once I convince myself this is the way it should be, I go and think of ways my life will be worse than my current situation.
I have to face facts.
If I leave her and go on my own, thats what I will be. On my own. I don't know how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Every one I've tried over the past couple of decades has ended in failure. People seem to put up with me for awhile, but they make no effort in maintaining the friendship. Once I stop contact, thats the end. I never hear from them again. Aside from the obvious horrible depression, I have no clue why people don't seem to like me on a more than superficial level. Maybe I just totally suck at judging people and try to make friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm just your average loser. I suppose someone has to be at the bottom of the curve or how else would happy well adjusted people know they are happy and well adjusted? They wouldn't have anything to compare it too.
I frequently find myself wondering if this is worth putting up with for another 20-30 years. Sometimes I wonder if I've just outlived my usefulness. I don't see myself as "doing" anything, just taking up space and resources. Depression and apathy suck. I used to be able to take it much more in stride when I was younger, but its getting harder the older I get. I refuse to take pills for this. I've seen the damage they can do with the wrong pill or combo of pills. If I'm going to be an emotional and psychological "cripple", then I'm doing it my way.
Suicide has come to mind. More frequently than I want to admit. Never have tried in the past. One of the benefits of thinking you are a hopeless loser. You just know you'd screw that up too.
So my options remain. Stay in a dead relationship or leave and be on my own and possibly financially strapped for a number of years. Or die, something I'm not quite ready to do yet.
None of those options are appealing.
I'm going to go fro a drive. Hopefully it will clear my head a bit. I don't want to be at work all week with the noise. Makes for long days....