Went out and bought a new BBQ yesterday. Got it loaded and strapped down on the truck no problem. Driving home it fell over. Typical for me.
Work has been slow. Making me wonder about the stability of the job again. I almost wish they would lay me off sometimes. Would finally force me to do....something.
I sit on the couch with the computer on my lap till its time to either go to work or go to bed.
Porn is even starting to depress me.
I hate my life.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
My nephew is graduating soon. I've known the date for some time now. It never occurred to me even once to ask for the day off work.
Doesn't really matter in the long run. Won't miss me one way or the other. He is my nephew but that doesn't mean I have a clue as to who he is, or the other way around for that matter. Just as well...he's better off not knowing me.
Doesn't really matter in the long run. Won't miss me one way or the other. He is my nephew but that doesn't mean I have a clue as to who he is, or the other way around for that matter. Just as well...he's better off not knowing me.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Weekend
Another weekend is here.
The noise has been quite all week but came roaring back today. Usually does on the weekend. Too much time by myself with only my thoughts to keep me company.
Still wondering why I'm still here. Both literally and figuratively. I should leave her and I think of a number of ways my life would improve. Once I convince myself this is the way it should be, I go and think of ways my life will be worse than my current situation.
I have to face facts.
If I leave her and go on my own, thats what I will be. On my own. I don't know how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Every one I've tried over the past couple of decades has ended in failure. People seem to put up with me for awhile, but they make no effort in maintaining the friendship. Once I stop contact, thats the end. I never hear from them again. Aside from the obvious horrible depression, I have no clue why people don't seem to like me on a more than superficial level. Maybe I just totally suck at judging people and try to make friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm just your average loser. I suppose someone has to be at the bottom of the curve or how else would happy well adjusted people know they are happy and well adjusted? They wouldn't have anything to compare it too.
I frequently find myself wondering if this is worth putting up with for another 20-30 years. Sometimes I wonder if I've just outlived my usefulness. I don't see myself as "doing" anything, just taking up space and resources. Depression and apathy suck. I used to be able to take it much more in stride when I was younger, but its getting harder the older I get. I refuse to take pills for this. I've seen the damage they can do with the wrong pill or combo of pills. If I'm going to be an emotional and psychological "cripple", then I'm doing it my way.
Suicide has come to mind. More frequently than I want to admit. Never have tried in the past. One of the benefits of thinking you are a hopeless loser. You just know you'd screw that up too.
So my options remain. Stay in a dead relationship or leave and be on my own and possibly financially strapped for a number of years. Or die, something I'm not quite ready to do yet.
None of those options are appealing.
I'm going to go fro a drive. Hopefully it will clear my head a bit. I don't want to be at work all week with the noise. Makes for long days....
The noise has been quite all week but came roaring back today. Usually does on the weekend. Too much time by myself with only my thoughts to keep me company.
Still wondering why I'm still here. Both literally and figuratively. I should leave her and I think of a number of ways my life would improve. Once I convince myself this is the way it should be, I go and think of ways my life will be worse than my current situation.
I have to face facts.
If I leave her and go on my own, thats what I will be. On my own. I don't know how to cultivate and maintain friendships. Every one I've tried over the past couple of decades has ended in failure. People seem to put up with me for awhile, but they make no effort in maintaining the friendship. Once I stop contact, thats the end. I never hear from them again. Aside from the obvious horrible depression, I have no clue why people don't seem to like me on a more than superficial level. Maybe I just totally suck at judging people and try to make friends with the wrong people. Maybe I'm just your average loser. I suppose someone has to be at the bottom of the curve or how else would happy well adjusted people know they are happy and well adjusted? They wouldn't have anything to compare it too.
I frequently find myself wondering if this is worth putting up with for another 20-30 years. Sometimes I wonder if I've just outlived my usefulness. I don't see myself as "doing" anything, just taking up space and resources. Depression and apathy suck. I used to be able to take it much more in stride when I was younger, but its getting harder the older I get. I refuse to take pills for this. I've seen the damage they can do with the wrong pill or combo of pills. If I'm going to be an emotional and psychological "cripple", then I'm doing it my way.
Suicide has come to mind. More frequently than I want to admit. Never have tried in the past. One of the benefits of thinking you are a hopeless loser. You just know you'd screw that up too.
So my options remain. Stay in a dead relationship or leave and be on my own and possibly financially strapped for a number of years. Or die, something I'm not quite ready to do yet.
None of those options are appealing.
I'm going to go fro a drive. Hopefully it will clear my head a bit. I don't want to be at work all week with the noise. Makes for long days....
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday
Back to the work week.
The weekend was typical. On Friday night, I sat on the couch getting drunk while surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till I couldn't stay awake any longer. None of my favorite cam girls were on either. Kind of a dull night but thats nothing unusual.
Woke early Saturday when she got home from her double shift. Kept quite surfing and playing flash games till she got up. Had a quick lunch before she was back out the door to work. Sat on the couch surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till she got home. Made some small talk before she went to bed shortly after getting home. Sat on the couch surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till I went to bed. No drinking tonight. Sunday she got up and went out for a few hours. Church and whatnot. Sat on the couch surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till she got home. Weather was too crappy to do anything outside. Watched a couple DVD's. Wanted to initiate some intimacy, but decided the feeling will pass soon enough. It did. I went to bed. Would have been futile anyways as she had started reading a book part way through the second movie. She seems to have time for me only when she is not with family, at work or reading/watching TV. In that order.
Did find a hot new cam girl. She might hold my interest for more than a day or two. Gets hollow real quick though.
The weekend was typical. On Friday night, I sat on the couch getting drunk while surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till I couldn't stay awake any longer. None of my favorite cam girls were on either. Kind of a dull night but thats nothing unusual.
Woke early Saturday when she got home from her double shift. Kept quite surfing and playing flash games till she got up. Had a quick lunch before she was back out the door to work. Sat on the couch surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till she got home. Made some small talk before she went to bed shortly after getting home. Sat on the couch surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till I went to bed. No drinking tonight. Sunday she got up and went out for a few hours. Church and whatnot. Sat on the couch surfing a few favorite web sites and playing silly little flash games till she got home. Weather was too crappy to do anything outside. Watched a couple DVD's. Wanted to initiate some intimacy, but decided the feeling will pass soon enough. It did. I went to bed. Would have been futile anyways as she had started reading a book part way through the second movie. She seems to have time for me only when she is not with family, at work or reading/watching TV. In that order.
Did find a hot new cam girl. She might hold my interest for more than a day or two. Gets hollow real quick though.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Just another manic....Tuesday?
Just a few things off the top of my head.
I have been getting these urges to just scream at the top of my lungs. Happens when I'm on the road. I check to make sure there isn't anyone raking leaves or walking before I do. Don't want to scare anyone. Don't know what causes that. I'm usually not thinking of anything. Just this over whelming sense of ....futility I guess is the closest.
Sometimes it helps clear the noise in my head but its only temporary. I've found that punching myself in the head works longer, but thats tougher to pull off with all the traffic around. Don't want to be answering stupid questions from the cops.
I got home from work today and just wanted to break things. I didn't, but I wanted to.
I am such a waste of space and resources. Only another 20-30 years left...
I used to think I was good at my job. Not so much anymore. I suppose that is actually a good thing though. I seem to get bored and change jobs when I get to a point where I feel like I am doing it right.
Although I do believe most people are inherently good, I still hate people.
Had an attractive woman make eye contact and smiled at me. I didn't respond. I would have liked to talk to her but after "Hello", I got nothing.
Its quiet and peaceful in the house. Still have a few hours before the wife gets home and starts crashing about the house and turning the TV volume up to ear splitting levels, then get mad at me when I don't answer the questions she is throwing at me from the other room. I will inevitably point out that I can't hear her to which her reply will be something along the lines of I never listen to what she has to say. Turning the TV volume down doesn't help, just makes her claim I must be deaf.
To be fair to her, I did go to a concert with my brother in law last night and she didn't give me the silent treatment in the morning. She hates it when I have fun.
I think that is just about everything that I was thinking about on the way home tonight.
Going to go hang out at a cam website for awhile. Its the closest I'm ever going to get to a hot young naked girl.
Toodles
I have been getting these urges to just scream at the top of my lungs. Happens when I'm on the road. I check to make sure there isn't anyone raking leaves or walking before I do. Don't want to scare anyone. Don't know what causes that. I'm usually not thinking of anything. Just this over whelming sense of ....futility I guess is the closest.
Sometimes it helps clear the noise in my head but its only temporary. I've found that punching myself in the head works longer, but thats tougher to pull off with all the traffic around. Don't want to be answering stupid questions from the cops.
I got home from work today and just wanted to break things. I didn't, but I wanted to.
I am such a waste of space and resources. Only another 20-30 years left...
I used to think I was good at my job. Not so much anymore. I suppose that is actually a good thing though. I seem to get bored and change jobs when I get to a point where I feel like I am doing it right.
Although I do believe most people are inherently good, I still hate people.
Had an attractive woman make eye contact and smiled at me. I didn't respond. I would have liked to talk to her but after "Hello", I got nothing.
Its quiet and peaceful in the house. Still have a few hours before the wife gets home and starts crashing about the house and turning the TV volume up to ear splitting levels, then get mad at me when I don't answer the questions she is throwing at me from the other room. I will inevitably point out that I can't hear her to which her reply will be something along the lines of I never listen to what she has to say. Turning the TV volume down doesn't help, just makes her claim I must be deaf.
To be fair to her, I did go to a concert with my brother in law last night and she didn't give me the silent treatment in the morning. She hates it when I have fun.
I think that is just about everything that I was thinking about on the way home tonight.
Going to go hang out at a cam website for awhile. Its the closest I'm ever going to get to a hot young naked girl.
Toodles
Lone
I am alone. I live in a world populated by me and a large number of faceless and nameless people.
I've lived in this neighborhood for over 6 years now and I know the name of only one of my neighbors and he doesn't remember mine. The others I couldn't pick out of a lineup. I know their cars better than their faces.
I have no friends. I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of major personality defect. People will say they are my friend, but unless I do 100% of the work to maintain it, they easily drift off. I've given up in that area.
The wife and I tolerate each other but thats about it.
I've never been particularly close to my family. Sometimes I'll see them frequently for a week or so, then get the feeling they are tiring of me. Once I stop making contact, it can be months before I speak with them again and more often than not, I am the one initiating contact.
As a result, I am delving deeper into my own world. If I get an idea or form an opinion about something, there is no one to tell me I am being irrational or stupid. As far as I know, I am the most brilliant and rational person on the face of the earth.
I I I I I I ...me me me me me...thats my world. Which came first, the selfish/boorish or the isolation?
I seem to be on a path to be the person that lives in a small house set way off the road on a heavily wooded lot with the giant Keep Out sign at the end of the driveway and the No Trespassing signs posted every few feet. I'll be the one that dies and nobody notices for months. My body will be discovered after someone notices piles of junk mail spilling out of the mailbox for the past month.
Time to dig the happy face out of the closet and go to work....
I've lived in this neighborhood for over 6 years now and I know the name of only one of my neighbors and he doesn't remember mine. The others I couldn't pick out of a lineup. I know their cars better than their faces.
I have no friends. I have come to the conclusion that I have some sort of major personality defect. People will say they are my friend, but unless I do 100% of the work to maintain it, they easily drift off. I've given up in that area.
The wife and I tolerate each other but thats about it.
I've never been particularly close to my family. Sometimes I'll see them frequently for a week or so, then get the feeling they are tiring of me. Once I stop making contact, it can be months before I speak with them again and more often than not, I am the one initiating contact.
As a result, I am delving deeper into my own world. If I get an idea or form an opinion about something, there is no one to tell me I am being irrational or stupid. As far as I know, I am the most brilliant and rational person on the face of the earth.
I I I I I I ...me me me me me...thats my world. Which came first, the selfish/boorish or the isolation?
I seem to be on a path to be the person that lives in a small house set way off the road on a heavily wooded lot with the giant Keep Out sign at the end of the driveway and the No Trespassing signs posted every few feet. I'll be the one that dies and nobody notices for months. My body will be discovered after someone notices piles of junk mail spilling out of the mailbox for the past month.
Time to dig the happy face out of the closet and go to work....
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Quiet
My head is quiet today. Was able to think of nothing for just about the entire day.
I've been by myself just about the entire day.
The noise will be back though. Tomorrow is Monday which means back to work. I'll have to put on the costume and pretend I give a damn about anything. That should get the noise back.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some quite music and finish the book I am reading.
Nothing beats living vicariously through someone else's words.
I've been by myself just about the entire day.
The noise will be back though. Tomorrow is Monday which means back to work. I'll have to put on the costume and pretend I give a damn about anything. That should get the noise back.
In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some quite music and finish the book I am reading.
Nothing beats living vicariously through someone else's words.
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